How about a little more explanation on my last post?
Yes, J will be leaving. On December 7th. For sure. We found out Monday morning. It’s been a long time coming, but we’ve held out hope until the end that something may change.
The best way to explain what’s gone on over the last few weeks is through a series of emails between us and his aunt. The meeting with DHS earlier this month didn’t go well. We went to plead our case to be considered for permanent placement, and we were basically told that we would never be chosen over a suitable family member. We knew that fighting the system would be futile and our only hope was to appeal to his aunt. So, I wrote her a looooong, emotional email begging her to let me keep my baby (see below). Reading it now, I can see that it is absolutely dripping with desparation of a mother wanting nothing more than to keep her child. It hurts to read it. So, I won’t, but I’ll post it so that you can.
“Aunt”,
As time closes in on us and the unknown date of J’s departure becomes inevitable, I am sure you are in a state of excited and nervous anticipation at the thought of meeting your nephew for the first time. How long this time must feel for you. However, I am asking you–please allow yourself to see this from our side. On the day you will welcome your nephew, we will be grieving the loss of our first son.
Words don’t seem adequate to describe how much J means to us or what taking him will do to us. I want to be on my knees begging and pleading for you to let us keep our baby. Feeling so helpless and powerless is absolute torture. I know that you have had some similar feelings in having to sit and watch time tick away as nothing was done on the case. Until J made me a mommy, I didn’t understand how quickly a child becomes part of who you are. I feel like someone is telling me that they will cut off my right arm in a matter of weeks and there is nothing I can do to stop it or change it. It seems dramatic, but if I knew of anything I could do or say to change the outcome, I would do it in an instant.
I’m not sure what kind of plans you have had for a family in the future, if any, but adopting a child has always been our dream. God led us to fostering after a long struggle with infertility and attempts to start our family in other ways. We prayed for J long before we knew he existed. We have had faith that, while it isn’t the intent of most to foster to adopt, He would bring us a child that could be ours forever.
I keep talking about our feelings and how devastated we will be if J leaves, but this isn’t about us. J was born into this situation and he is unable tell us what he thinks about it so DHS steps in. DHS is functioning under laws and policies and not considering what is really best for J. Their efforts to maintain kinship placements, while admirable, should not supersede the best interest of the child. To them, he is just one child of thousands that they deal with daily. Those are the people who get to make decisions for our baby.
When the day comes, J will have his parents, his home, and all that he’s ever known taken away from him in an instant. It breaks my heart to think about. Unless, we–you and us, do something to change the course for this little boy. We can choose expand his family rather than the alternative. We know that in the span of a life six months is not a long time. But to J, at this moment, it is his lifetime–we are his lifetime. We know J. Over the last six months, we’ve learned what every cry means, how he likes to be held, where he’s ticklish, how to soothe him. I know that you will love him and do your best, I have no doubt of that. And, our hopes to keep him are in no way a reflection on your or your ability to care for him.
This must seem selfish, of course we love him and want him to stay, but it’s more than that, so much more. At this point, J has been a part of our family for more than 6 months and we worry that being taken away will be traumatic for him. He knows us as his mommy and daddy and he is extremely attached to us. It is a common misconception that infants are not affected by being taken away from their caregivers because they are too young to remember. But, this is a critical time in J’s development and will affect the way he attaches and bonds to others for the rest of his life.
I know that regardless of the outcome, one of us will be devastated. You shouldn’t be punished because you are in another country and this process is long, but neither should J. For this move to have resulted in the least amount of damage to J, it should have done much earlier on. There also should have been a smooth transition from our care to yours. Had this move taken place months ago, it might have been in his best interest to be moved. But, it didn’t – and moving J could be extremely traumatic for him. It takes a big person to know that while what they have to offer may have been exactly what J needed to succeed in life under different circumstances, that may no longer be the case.
We hope that you can consider what is best for J. By no means do we mean to be insulting by asking you this, but if we didn’t ask, we would always wonder. This letter has been as difficult for us to write as it is for you to read. J is a part of our family. He has both a mommy and a daddy, two sets of grandparents, 7 aunts and uncles, a dozen cousins and even a brother here who all love him more than I can put into words. Our families are absolutely devastated at the thought of J leaving. We don’t wish to take your nephew away from you, but to add you to our family so that J has even more people who love him. We want you to be a part of his life, of our life, and we’ve made every effort to prove that. We hope that by you allowing us to keep J, you will still have your nephew and we will still have our son. We are so glad that we have been able to share J’s life so far with you and would hope that you would continue to be a huge part of his life if you allow us to raise him. We want J to know his aunt. We want you to be a part of birthdays, holidays, and his everyday life.
I try to put myself in your shoes, and of course I have no way of knowing how you feel, but I think, as his aunt, I would take comfort in knowing that J is loved and cared for and his every need is and will always be met. I just ask that you pray about this. I’ve been praying constantly for the outcome and that whatever happens will be best for J. I’ve prayed that God would give me a peace and prepare my heart regardless of where J’s forever is going to be. So, as difficult as it is to write, I’m asking that you please consider allowing us to be J’s parents and for you to remain in his life as his aunt. Please don’t take him away from the only parents he has ever known.
With love,
Heath and Erin
