A Day in the Life

Okay, I think it’s glaringly obvious that I’m totally awful at this blogging thing. But, between a busy 17 month old, a dirty house and working 80+ hours most weeks — I’m lucky to get a good meal and a shower in now and then.

Our sweet J man turned ONE on the 3rd. Which means that the 8th marked one year since I brought him home from the hospital and our world was forever changed. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I can’t believe how different our family looks today than it did one year ago. J’s aunt sent us a DVD a few weeks ago of his first steps along with lots of other videos that made my heart ache and burst with joy at the same time. I miss the boy as much today as I did the day he left but I can’t help but be overwhelmed with how blessed we are. His aunt is our family now and I know that we will always be a part of J’s life. It’s funny how the pain and sadness doesn’t really dull over time, but it just becomes a part of who you are. I carry it with me daily and the weight of it has just become second nature. There are times when I let myself just sit in the sadness and really feel how much I miss him, and it’s then that I realize that the pain will never really go away.

I’ve never recapped the night J left. I don’t know that there are even words to do it justice, but I’ll try.

Our last day with him was unbelievably painful. I literally cried all.day.long. I sat here at this computer, typing this post and crying so hard I thought I may suffocate. I prayed over and over in my head for something to change. Anything. I wanted just one more day. I knew it would only delay the pain that was inevitable — but just one more night to rock him so sleep and one more morning of waking up to his infectious grin. By time our worker showed up, I was exhausted. I was numb. And, I was ready for the day to be over. J’s aunt showed up shortly after. I told Heath earlier in the day that he had to be the one holding J when his aunt walked in. I couldn’t bear the thought of being the one to hand him over. I didn’t quite trust that my arms would let him go. When we opened the door, she walked straight past me and to J. We made our introductions and she thanked us profusely for loving her nephew so much. There was a lot of small talk. I wanted to tell her everything about him. How he liked to be held, the perfect way to mix his bottle, which baby food he would eat, where he was ticklish - but there didn’t seem like enough time.

J’s aunt ended up staying for a few hours. During that time, it became painfully obvious to me that this just felt right. I knew in my heart that J belonged with her. As much as I didn’t want him to go, you couldn’t help but see how much she loved him. She, too, had prayed for this boy since the day he was born. She was the one who named him. I couldn’t believe that I had ever questioned that he needed to be with her.

Heath helped her put together the car seat and install it in the car. I helped her make up a bottle and packed up the last of J’s things. When it came time to say ‘goodbye’, I was strangely okay with it. She had told us numerous times that we would see them again during their 3 week stay before leaving the country. It didn’t really feel like goodbye. So, we just hugged her, kissed J and showed them to the door. Heath showered, and I put Sam to bed - almost like a normal night except the house felt so empty. It sounds so cliche, but the house felt hollow and cold. Heath came to join me on the couch, and I heard him sniffling behind me. Before I could turn around, I too was crying. We laid in each other’s arms and cried for quite some time before we finally gave in to our exhaustion.

The next day wasn’t much easier. It felt so strange to walk into the nursery in the morning to Sam and an empty crib. All day, I felt like I was forgetting something. I knew how blessed we were that J’s aunt was such a beautiful, loving Christian woman and was going to allow us to be a part of his life. I couldn’t help but see God’s hand in all of it and things slowly got easier. We did get to babysit J for about 5 hours one night about two weeks after he had left. It was so weird, because it really felt like we were just babysitting. He didn’t really seem like “our” J. He smelled different and he already looked a little more grown up. The night before they left the country, J’s aunt ran by the house to say goodbye. And she’s kept her promise of keeping in touch. We’ve emailed several times and she’s sent lots of pictures.

So, that’s the story I’ve been dreading typing out. 5 months (minus one day) later and I still can’t type it without crying. But, like I said before — we absolutely could not have handled this so gracefully without all of the prayer. I literally felt wrapped in peace in the days surrounding J’s departure. So, thank you for your prayers.

And thank you for sticking with me. I can’t promise a daily, or even weekly post, but I will be back to update you on our sweet, sweet Sam.

For the few of you still checking in, I’m coming back. After a 3 month hiatus, I’ve realized how much I need you and this blog. It’s not just that. There are lots of reasons I’m coming back and quite a few reasons I’ve been gone so long. Let’s see…

1. I absolutely, hands down could not have handled J leaving so well if it weren’t for the outpouring of love, support and prayer that we received on this blog. I will go into it in more detail later, but I could literally feel myself surrounded by a blanket of peace during the ordeal. Don’t get me wrong, it was the worst day of my life, but I’ve been amazed at how well it turned out and how obviously I could see God’s hand in it all.

2. Because of how amazingly supportive this little blog community has been for me, I owe it to you (my few and faithful readers) to update you. I want you to know that your prayers for peace and understanding did not go unanswered. And, I don’t want you to feel used. I don’t want my blog to be a place I only run to when I need prayers and support. I love the little family I’ve formed on here and I hope you’ll take me back.

3. I also left for awhile because I needed the break. I wanted to live my life day to day and not look back for awhile. I had to recount J’s departure daily in my real life so coming back here to type it out and really feel it wasn’t something I wanted to do. And then, the thought of coming back and trying to adequately put into words how it all played out seemed very overwhelming…and still does.

4. As I mentioned before, I need you. I need this outlet. I need this support. There is something so comforting about knowing there are a handful of people praying, rejoicing and hurting with me. Things with Sam have been a rollercoaster and as of recently, it’s not a fun ride. What we thought was a sure thing, is now not looking so good. So, I need a place to vent and cry and feel.

So, for all those reasons, and lots more — I’m back, if you’ll have me.

Hi. It’s good to be home

My precious baby J -

Although it will never seem like long enough, we’ve been blessed beyond words to have you in our life for seven sweet months. Thank you for making us a mommy and a daddy. We prayed for you long before you existed and I am so glad that God chose us to be your parents.

As you lie in your bed for the last time taking your last nap here, there are absolutely no words to explain my love for you. You have brought us so so much joy. It’s amazing how such a little thing can make such a big difference in our lives.

I know that you will become a wonderful man and I am so proud of you already.

The last few days have been the hardest of my life, but your smile has been like medicine to my soul. I hope that you never go a day without knowing how much you are loved and needed.

Forever love you, sweet boy.

“My love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings”

I can now count the hours we have left with him. 47 hours and 43 minutes.

As the day that we’ll say goodbye to J gets closer, I feel like I start to fall apart. The strong exterior that I’ve been so proud of has started to melt away.

Thursday night I laid in bed sobbing and begging God to change this. I prayed “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this. Please, please let me keep my baby. I thought I was strong enough, but I’m not. Please don’t make me do this. I don’t want to. I can’t…” over and over again. It just doesn’t seem fair.

How are we going to do this? How am I going to hand over my baby to a complete stranger and move on from that?

We have hundreds of pictures of J. I have a dozen recordings on my phone of his hoarse little giggle. But how do you remember a smell? Or the way his little cheeks feel when I kiss them?

I feel like we’ve been doing pretty well, all things considered. I’ve been holding up a lot better than I’d ever imagined. I think it’s been a combination of three things that have keep me from laying in bed holding J and crying all day: denial, prayer and finally some certainty in the midst of all of the unknown.

The last few days have been much harder. We’ve gotten to the point of “lasts“. Today was my last Wednesday with my little man. Tomorrow will be his last day at daycare. We’re headed into our last weekend.

I can now count our days left on one hand.

I get asked daily how we’re holding up. And, honestly, we’re doing okay. The day after we found out about J I was almost worried about myself because I was so “okay” with it. I could even talk about it without crying. I think part of me is just so relieved. For once, we know the answer to how all of this will end.

I’ve come to the point where I’m okay with the idea of J leaving. But, I can’t let myself get wrapped up in the details. It’s just too much. Like, trying to imagine handing him to her. And watching her walk to the car. And drive away. I can’t.

We went several days before responding to J’s aunt. We went back and forth on whether or not we were going to go to court on Monday and stand before the judge making a plea to keep our baby. After getting J’s aunt’s email, I knew in my heart what the right thing to do was. But, I’m also a mother being told that my baby is going to be taken away. So, while I knew what we needed to do, I still questioned it daily.

We finally made the decision not to go to court. A letter that we had written the judge, as well as a statement from my aunt (a licensed child therapist) were going to be attached to the court report. We knew that we’d be asked to explain the letters and, rather than go and fight a battle that we knew we shouldn’t fight, we chose not to go at all.

That afternoon we got an email from J’s aunt asking why we didn’t attend court and was everything okay. She also asked if we were aware that the move would probably happen pretty quickly. She then asked if it was true that we were planning on trying to prevent the move.

This was my response.

Yes, we were told at the permanency meeting that the move would likely happen pretty quickly after court. I will be honest with you, that yes, we thought about appealing the move. Only for the reasons that we mentioned in the last email. It is nothing personal, and something that we’ve struggled with a lot over the last several months. We worried that if we didn’t do what we could to keep him, we would always feel like we didn’t do enough. With that being said, we are not planning on appealing the move. We know that our efforts would be futile and only prolong J being placed in a permanent home, which is the last thing we want for him. We felt that we were at a crossroads: continue to have faith that anything could happen and do what we could to keep him, or resign to the fact that we will lose him and just let things happen. After getting your email the other day, we cried and decided that we need to let him go. I have no idea how we will survive that day, because I am positive it will be the hardest day of our lives, but we are relying on His strength and not our own. Please understand that this has been an extremely emotional journey for us. We have tried to seek Him throughout to find His plan for us and our family. For us, family is not about being flesh and blood so while we understand your love for J, we don’t think that ours is any less because we do not share the same genetic make up . Because we have prayed and prayed to form our family through adoption, we thought that God brought J into our lives for that reason. We now have accepted that that is not the case.

With love,
H&E

I don’t know about you, but to me, it’s almost as if two different people wrote those emails. One, a selfish, but only human mother clinging to every last bit of hope to keep her baby. And, the other, a heartbroken mother who continues to love with every piece of her, but knows that there is something much greater than herself at stake here. It’s totally a God thing. I couldn’t have imagined myself being able to write this email even days earlier. All of the prayer for peace — I can feel it! Keep praying. We’re only footsteps into this journey and I know we have a lot of heartache and tears yet to come, but we wouldn’t have made it this far without so many supportive and loving people on our side.

I have to say that, looking back, I’m not real proud of the email that I wrote to J’s aunt. Yes, it is raw and honest. But, it also put her in an awful spot and placed some judgement on her if she chose to disrupt his bond with us. I’ve grown a lot since that email. God has done a boatload of work on my heart and I had to write that email in order to get to the place I am now.

We waited several days for a reply and never got one. After about 5 days, I sent her another email apologizing if our email upset her, but telling her that we did what we felt we had to do.

Here is her reply.

Hello,

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

The following Monday J had a court hearing that we had planned to go to in order to plea our case to the judge. We knew the outcome of that would be the same as the initial meeting with DHS. Our plan from that point was to await the 5 day notice of removal and then file a court petition. The petition would place the move on hold and we would receive a new court date in which we would argue our case against the aunt’s attorney.

I received her reply at 5:00 a.m. Saturday morning on my phone, passed the phone to Heath and then laid in bed and cried. I knew, as soon as I read it, that it was time to let him go.

How about a little more explanation on my last post?

Yes, J will be leaving. On December 7th. For sure. We found out Monday morning. It’s been a long time coming, but we’ve held out hope until the end that something may change.

The best way to explain what’s gone on over the last few weeks is through a series of emails between us and his aunt. The meeting with DHS earlier this month didn’t go well. We went to plead our case to be considered for permanent placement, and we were basically told that we would never be chosen over a suitable family member. We knew that fighting the system would be futile and our only hope was to appeal to his aunt. So, I wrote her a looooong, emotional email begging her to let me keep my baby (see below). Reading it now, I can see that it is absolutely dripping with desparation of a mother wanting nothing more than to keep her child. It hurts to read it. So, I won’t, but I’ll post it so that you can.

“Aunt”,

With love,
Heath and Erin

I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me.

Only two more weeks with our little angel.

Please, please pray.

That in less than 3 hours I’ll be sitting in a theater surrounded by pre-pubescent tweens in “I heart Edward” shirts watching the New Moon premier.

And, I might just be wearing a “Team Edward” shirt of my own. I can’t stand out too much, right?